Tears~N~Tacos

Well, I had rough weekend to say the least. We didn't get to be a family b/c Jeremy had to work and I had made a prior committment to playing the organ at church Sunday. So, I had a fun time with the girls Saturday, watching cartoons, making a mess of toys, etc.....then Sunday came and that's our "family day" where we do nothing but worship in the morning, then have a family lunch, then enjoy the rest of the day as family time. I was mad, even bitter yesterday. I really was having an oh poor me day and just wanted to cry....then heard the words of my mother saying "Oh just suck it up!" so....I did! Today went off just like any other typical Monday, except we did get rain! That was a little out of the norm! Then after I got the girls home, I thought about what to make for supper.... My mother in law had earlier extended an invite to come over for Tacos..... I excitedly accepted, then immediately backed out....after remembering what our last meal was like during the week.....pure hell just about sums it up..... so.... I just thought I would make tacos for Jaylee and I. So....got Jentri fed and situated in her swing, and Jaylee and I went to cooking away in the kitchen! She's quite the little cooker/helper these days! Reminds me of me when I was little! I LOVED to cook....and still do to this day! Anyways..... I had never served her a taco meal before, until tonight. (Side note- when you let a kid help PREPARE a meal, they tend to eat better b/c there is some sense of ownership!) She ate a ton! We had delicious, crispy, even a tad bit greasy tacos...and rice to go with it! It was wonderful... I hadnt made tacos in forever...then I remembered why... Jeremy LOVES tacos...by far one of his favorite foods...I started to cry.... that oh poor me feeling just took over!

I guess this lifestyle is getting the best of me at the moment. I thought I was doing so good, staying strong, making it and taking it day by day; just thanking God daily for the blessings he gives us. But as of tonight, I'm sick of it. I'm so tired of living this way. I miss Jeremy not sitting down with us at supper. He would have loved Jaylee's tacos that she made, and it would have tickled her to see him eat them! I miss that "just got home from work-- walk in the door, how are you kiss".... I miss that butterfly feeling of hearing his pickup drive up when he gets home from work (yes I still get butterflies when he shows up on friday nights) I miss just messing with each other, teasing each other and wrestling from time to time. I miss just getting to be us when we want to. I know this isn't forever, I keep telling myself this.... but it just seems to be getting harder and harder emotionally. So....for now I'm going to have my "oh poor me" moment.....it's like a friend quoted today...."I am all for the oh poor me crying jags....They just seem to clear the cobwebs and other things clouding the view!"